You ever have that roommate who just won’t do their share of dishes, so you go on strike, hoping to force them into submission?  Usually the end result is a pile of moldy dishes so rank that disturbing them unleashes a stench that could lay low the entire neighborhood.  Well, the offensive performance of the Quakes has been so bad this season, causing a similar odor throughout the league, that that mold would smell like an alpine breeze in comparison. 

So the conclusion is clear, we need a striker and an attacking midfielder stat.  I don’t have the money or time to fly around the world scouting players for the Quakes, so instead I did the next best thing: shirk my other responsibilities and scour the net obsessively over the past few days for likely candidates.  Part one will focus on strikers, and part two (coming soon) will go through the a-mid possibilities. 

A few notes on the player profiles below.  They are divided between older players, who also happen to be surer bets, and younger candidates who are a bit more of a gamble.  Goals per game is used as the statistical measure of goal-scoring prowess, followed in brackets by what that would translate to in an MLS season of 30 games (disclaimer: it is very difficult to use statistics in one league to predict success in another). 

At the end of the each profile is where each player rates on the QuakeMeter™ regarding how easy it would be to sign the player (1 being a snowball’s chance in hell and 4 meaning that they can be persuaded by a shiny quarter and a ball of lint), and how valuable they would be (given their age, probability of success, etc.)

THE WILY VETERANS

Cristiano Lucarelli

Age: 32

Club: Parma (Italy)

Height: 6′2″  Weight: 187 lbs.

07/08 G.P.G: 0.42 [13]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.68 [20]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.56 [17]

Bottom Line: An experienced, clinical striker who would bring a much-needed finishing touch to the Quakes.  Good in the air and with his head.  Could fill a valuable mentoring role, helping some of the younger players grow, as well as be a leader up front.  Yet it is hard to imagine him leaving Italy.  Another drawback is his age, and questions over whether he would commit to the team, though if he did, his passion and determination is legendary.  This season was an off year, but he is usually good for 20+ goals. 

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Kevin Phillips

Age: 34

Club: West Brom (England)

Height: 5′7″  Weight: 154 lbs.

07/08 G.P.G: 0.80 [24]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.58 [17]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.23 [7]

Bottom Line: Consummate team player and professional.  Could score goals in his sleep.  Despite being in the twilight of his career, banged in an impressive 22 goals in the Championship this season, and you can see from his stats that he is aging well.  Unfortunately, would likely be loyal to West Brom and must be tempted by one more go in the Premiership next season. 

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Oliver Neuville

Age: 35

Height: 5′7″  Weight: 145 lbs.

Club: Gladbach (Germany)

07/08 G.P.G: 0.44 [13]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.22 [7]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.29 [9]

Bottom Line: A veteran footballer in Germany and a bit of a legend.  Is nearing retirement and has definitely lost a step, but amazingly still retains some pace.  Known in his day for dribbling skills as well.  Makes up for his lost speed with experience and savvy.  Gladbach has won promotion back to the Bundesliga 1.  Interestingly, they will be touring the U.S. this summer.  Would be a good short-term solution. 

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Martin Palermo

Age: 34

Height: 6′2″  Weight: 187 lbs.

07/08 G.P.G: 0.61 [18]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.37 [11]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.50 [15]

Bottom Line: A monster in the air.  The strength of the Quakes has been in wing play, but no one seems to be able to take advantage of it in the box.  It would be nice to have someone with the heading ability of Palermo on the end of some of those crosses.  Aggressive and doesn’t back down or give up.  Also makes great off-the-ball runs (another weakness of San Jose).  All in all, a perfect fit. 

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Bruno Marioni

Age: 32

Height: 5′9″  Weight: 158 lbs.

Club: Atlas (Mexico)

07/08 G.P.G: 0.42 [13]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.53 [16]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.21 [6]

Bottom Line: Argentine striker who knows how to finish.  Could perhaps be persuaded to leave Mexico once Atlas’ Copa Libertadores run is finished.  Has the potential to fit seamlessly into the league. 

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Martin Cardetti

Age: 32

Height: 5′7″  Weight: 165 lbs.

Club: Colon (Argentina)

07/08 G.P.G: 0.17 [5]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.00 [0]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.40 [12]

Bottom Line: His statistics for the past few seasons look pretty dire, but he hasn’t gotten much playing time.  He was the leading scorer in Argentina in 2001 and won several championships with River Plate.  At his age, he still possesses a surprising pace, on top of a good finishing touch and an ability to make the right runs.  The question is: are his best days behind him, or would a starting job give him new life?

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

THE (RELATIVELY) YOUNG GAMBLES

Clinton Morrison

Age: 29

Club: Crystal Palace (England)

Height: 6′0″  Weight: 169 lbs.

07/08 G.P.G: 0.44 [13]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.36 [11]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.37 [11]

Bottom Line: Leads the Crystal Palace squad with 16 goals.  Still relatively young and has several good years ahead of him.  Has a well-rounded game and finds ways to score.  Aggressive in going after the ball, which fits in well with Yallop’s style of play.  Would be difficult to pry the leading scorer for Palace away.  The closest thing to a sure bet among the gambles. 

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Meyong Ze

Age: 27

Height: 6′0″  Weight: 156 lbs.

Club: Belenenses (Portugal)

07/08 G.P.G: 0.07 [2]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.09 [3]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.65 [20]

Bottom Line: A stretch, but bear with me now.  The Quakes might have to be creative to find a way out of this striker crisis.  Ze is a Cameroon striker who currently plays in Portugal.  Skipped between clubs this season and caused Belenenses to be docked points for violating FIFA regulations by playing for more than two teams in a single year.  Putting that aside, he usually was good for close to twenty goals a season, at one time having the best goals per game average in the entire Portuguese league.  Pacy, determined, and a good finisher.  He also has the benefit of being the youngest on this list.  Would the recent drama render him receptive to a move overseas?

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Reinaldo Navia

Age: 30

Height: 5′9″  Weight: 154 lbs.

Club: Racing (Argentina)

07/08 G.P.G: 0.31 [9]

06/07 G.P.G: 0.36 [11]

05/06 G.P.G: 0.50 [15]

Bottom Line: He can finish, make good runs, is still relatively young and has flair to spare.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that he is prone to inconsistency at times and recent rumors that he would return to his hometown club of Colo-Colo were squashed due to bad behavior at the Copa America.  Still, has played an important role for the Chilean national team.  A poor season for Racing and lack of playing time makes him available. 

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Allan Delon Santos Dantas

Age: 29

Height: 5′9″  Weight: 154 lbs.

Club: Ceara Sporting Club (Brazil)

Statistics Not Available

Bottom Line: One of those obscure players plugging away in the second tier of Brazilian soccer.  Has bounced around the past few seasons and as a result, has not found much playing time.  In previous years, he was good for double digits in the goal department (reaching 22 in 2000).  Still young.  Can finish well, has good technique, and is an excellent free-kick taker.  Possesses decent speed and creativity.  Would be relatively easy to acquire given that he is currently in the second division and searching for playing time.  Note: blurry profile picture equals true underground gem status.

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Sibusiso Zuma

Age: 32

Height: 5′11″  Weight: 152 lbs.

Club: Bielefeld (Germany)

Stats N/A - Inadequate Playing Time

Bottom Line: Ok, not so young, but very much a gamble.  This South African striker is definitely a bit of a stretch, having ridden the bench for the past couple of seasons.  He scored in single digits the season he did get starting time with Bielefeld.  However, in the South African league, he was in the double digits and could do well in MLS.  Despite his age, he is still fast and a flair player.  Because of his bench status, would be relatively easy to pick up.

Ease of Capture: QQQQ

Value: QQQQ

Popularity: 43%